Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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