She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
