i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
