I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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