i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
