somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
