using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
