Swine flu. Run for my life!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
