my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
