I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
