I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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