Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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