I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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