So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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