Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
