Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
