Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
