Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
