when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
