Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
