I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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