It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
