Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
