dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
