dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
