I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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