so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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