i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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