he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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