I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
These tits shall not be calmed
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
