Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
