mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
