I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
