i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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