I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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