Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
