i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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