i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize