I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
