I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
