My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
