I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
