Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
