You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
