i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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