Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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