good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
