Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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