1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
