i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There are leaves in my underwear?
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