you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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